Merckz
The fastest thing you do is scan the classifieds for a frame to build up. Your ability to order in fake languages at Starbucks has been enhanced by your proclivity for mixing vintage Campy derailleurs with Shimano cassettes. If your Inner Cannibal could be any prouder, it would consume you.
Kestrel
You are old, and so is your bike. You managed to convince your spouse/family/significant
other to let you spend an ungodly amount of money on a bike, only to have
titanium appear two years later. You have a prostate the size of a grapefruit.
Trek OCLV
You are cheap. You were suckered by Trek's marketing into believing
that the OCLV is just as good as a "real" bike. You cracked the first
one you had, and Trek "warranteed" it with one that has the US Postal paint job
that they couldn't get you to buy in the first place.
Litespeed
You are either an attorney or a dentist. You whined for months to get
your spouse/family/significant other to let you buy a bike instead of paying
for college for your kid. With your new 17-lb superbike you are now able
to ride 1/3 of a mile an hour faster than you were on your old Raleigh.
Merlin
You are either an attorney or a dentist. You whined for months to get
your spouse/family/significant other to let you buy a bike instead of paying
for college for your kid. With your new 17-lb superbike you are now able
to ride 1/3 of a mile an hour faster than you were on your old Schwinn.
And all those arguments about how "Merlin is better than Litespeed" are
now moot.
Cannondale
You are young. However, age will soon catch up to you, and your prostate
will be the size of a basketball. And your Cipollini-inspired sprint is
every bit as fast as it was on your old Huffy.
Italian Steel
You are gullible. You are convinced that the Italian passion for cycling
in some way translates to mechanical competence. You therefore ride a bike
produced by the same craftsmen who brought us the Fiat.
Italian Carbon Fiber, Italian Titanium, Italian Aluminum
You are suicidal. You trust your life to aerospace materials in the
hands the same craftsmen who made Italy such dominant force in the world
market for military and commercial aircraft.
"Classic" (ie. old) Italian Steel
You are delusional AND suicidal. You believe that the fine Italian
"craftsmanship" can only get better with age (just like the Fiat).
Waterford / Paramount / Custom Steel
"Look, Ma! The paint job is worth more than the bike!"
(my apologies if I've missed offending anyone...)
